by faith

William was three weeks old, when I first called my own mom in tears. Actually he and I were both in tears. Being his exclusive source of nutrition he needed me,however, it was very clear that he did not like me. For the first year of his life he pretty much wanted to be around me only when he was hungry.This was humbling to say the least. The louder he would screamed and the more anxiously he would fuss, the clearer it became that my plans for being the "World's most adored Mom" were not to be. When he was four, my dreams of  becoming the next Sandy Patty (my dream since 1987) also went down the drain. They were dashed the moment William said,   "Mom, please don't sing when I'm in the house. When you start to sing it just makes me so angry inside I want to scream".  It's hard to practice your octaves when anytime a mere hum passes through your lips a patronizing preschool voice says,
"Mom, what have I told you about singing in the house?"
Yep, it hasn't always been easy with him. And because of it, he gets more prayer than our phlegmatic Blondie, who at three years old has trouble identifying any color but pink and any shape besides a heart.  She doesn't care what language your speaking, just as long we're having fun.
William is our serious straight laced, five year old going on 46 auditor. William sees only two colors: black and white, no grays, and absolutely NO PINK. I don't want to put him down, there  is a lot to be said for the type A personality. For example, if I can instill the truth of the Gospel in Will, he'll stand by it to the end. And that's where the tricky part comes in. IF I can instill some sort of concept of God in his little heart. So far it doesn't seem to be working.
About two years ago, I made a decision to never again read a Christian book on marriage, they always left me feeling intimidated and frustrated. All the creative formulas for becoming SUPER COUPLE never seemed to work on my husband (blame on the culture), or me. I take my Christian literature with a grain of salt these days, finally understanding that every family is unique, and if behaviour A doesn't doesn't produce behaviour  B, it doesn't mean that you have failed, maybe your just using a different alphabet.
Now, getting back to the kid that keeps my prayer life vibrant. After reading all these incredibly wise and actually Biblical based books on super Christian parenting, I find myself feeling little more than a failure. After all, William is almost six, and not only has my son not prayed a prayer of salvation, at the moment he's not praying at all.  (He explained to me that he prayed when he was 4, now he is five and he does not pray any more) YIKES!!! If you've read those books than you understand, that obviously I've done something terribly wrong as a parent.
All jesting aside, I do worry about William. Because he is different, his is strong willed. And I know that if, someday he does make a decision for Christ, it will be strong and clear and he won't sway. I also understand, that if for some reason he decides not to accept Christ, his life will be so hard.
My husband, tells me not to worry, to just pray and everything will be okay. I want TO DO something. I knew that parenting was tough. I know that parents spend their whole lives praying for their kids. But I guess I never realized how much faith it actually takes. I suppose the issue here is that I'm doubting God's goodness and love to my family and to my son. If I could put it into a question here it is:
"Do I trust God to bring my son to salvation?"
I want to say, "Yes, of course"
But I supposed a more honest answer would be, "I want to believe, help my unbelief"